LOVE, INTIMACY, AND ATTACHMENT (Homayoun Shahri, PhD, MA, LMFT)

LOVE, INTIMACY, AND ATTACHMENT
My client  came in looking better and not as disheveled as in prior sessions (I have seen him for a couple of months). He started sobbing almost as soon as he arrived in my office for which he apologized! I assured him that crying was part of his healing and that his tears would wash away his deep sadness. 

Once he calmed down a bit (a good two minute or so), I asked him how he was feelings. He replied, he felt utterly alone, except for when he is in the office with me. He mentioned that sometimes he felt there was no hope for him as his despair was just too great to bear, and he did not know how to handle it. He mentioned that he was questioning if life was worth living! I asked him to look out the window and see the beauty of nature, the mountains with snow on them, the trees, and the blue sky. He replied, they just reminded him of his past very difficult days, except perhaps watching the mountains with snow on them. 

He said to me that he felt he was living a false life in the past. “He had just been walking out there”, he said. He had lied to himself about his life and how bad he felt it was, he said. He spent time at his girlfriend's house whom he did not love, even though she assured him on many occasions that she loved him. He felt really bad about this as he felt he was using her as he did not have much feelings about her. He mentioned that since he started to work with me, he had become aware of the unreality of his life. He had to numb himself and live in a fantasy world (created in his mind) in order to be able to not feel the reality of his life and his (existential) pains.

He then went on to ask how he could have the feeling he had in the office with me “out there”. At this point I had tears in my eyes which he noticed and started to cry softly. I replied to him that this would happen but it would take some time. He needed to experience his connection with me longer before he could feel it “out there”, I told him. I explained the neuroscience of human connections/relationships, in a simplified way, which he understood (I have noticed that when I explain the scientific reasons behind my clients' feelings, it reduces their shame regarding their symptoms). I further told him that he needed to “take” in his connection with me, my care and love for him, unconditional and nonjudgmental acceptance of him, and my empathy for him. In doing so new neural pathways would form in his brain that would correspond to this new experience and would fill the void that was left in his heart due to his early traumatic experiences. My statement put him at ease and he noticeably calmed down. I knew that he did take in the connection with me, as he was attaching to me very strongly. I have become an attachment object to him.

I asked him if he could take in the love (to whatever extent) that his girlfriend was offering him. His reply was an immediate “no”. I asked him why was it then that he could take in my care and love for him. His replied you don't expect anything from me. You are just sitting here and don't need anything. I then asked him if the reason for this was that he felt that he needed to respond to her in some way, and needed to do something. His reply was “yes”. I asked him to imagine that he did not have to do anything about his girlfriend's love for him, and that he did not have to meet her expectations. Could he then take in her love for him? After taking some time, he then replied, yes he could. But if there were no expectations of me, he emphatically stressed. My hope for him was that if he could allow himself to take in her love for him, it could also create love in him (for her) over time. Most people with oral deprivations in early infancy suffer from conflicting conditions. On one hand they long for connection and contact, but at the same time when contact is offered they reject it and/or become enraged. This is analogous to a baby who wants the breast and cries profusely, but when the breast is finally offered he bites it. 

I would like to emphasize the profound statements made by this client. He did not experience unconditional love from his mother for which he longs but cannot receive it when it is offered as his mother's love (if there was any) for him was always conditional. This is the reason why experiencing and eventually accepting of my unconditional love and care (along with optimal frustration which is necessary for growth and eventual separation) for him is so crucial in his healing. This is the re-parenting that is talked about in object relations theory.

Here comes my responsibility as a therapist. In my work with him, I have awakened his longing for contact, for love, and for connection. I have to accept that and remain present with him, and “optimally” frustrate him, albeit unintentionally, so that he can “grow”, and eventually internalize his connection/relationship with me. I need to be able to tolerate his infantile attachment to me, and not be scared by it. I also need to process my own feelings and what comes up for me when I am an attachment object to him. My own past traumas will possibly be triggered, albeit to an imperceptibly small degree as I have worked through my traumas over the past years. I also have to be able to tolerate his oral rage toward me when it finally is activated. Also he needs to accept the limitations of my care and love (He cannot take me home with him!). Eventually I will (inadvertently) let him down, which may evoke his anger and rage toward me, similar to the baby who longs for the breast but then bites it when it is offered as the baby cannot tolerate frustration.

Wilhelm Reich, MD says: The root cause of all neurotic disturbances are disappointments in love. I believe this to be true, and it is the task of therapy to mend the cuts and heal the wounds. And Robert Hilton, PhD says: We were all wounded in relationships, therefore it takes a relationship to heals us.

I will end this post with a quote from Ronald David Laing, MD (The Divided Self): (This quote is about a schizophrenic patient who has recovered)
“It was terribly hard for me to stop being a schizophrenic. I knew I didn't want to be a Smith (her family name), because then I was nothing but old Professor Smith's grand daughter. I couldn't be sure that I could feel as though I were your child, and I wasn't sure of myself. The only thing that I was sure of was being a 'catatonic, paranoid and schizophrenic'. I had seen that written on my chart. That at least had a substance and gave me an identity and personality. [What let you to change?] When I was sure that you would let me feel like your child and that you would care for me lovingly. If you could like the real me, then I could too. I could allow myself just to be me and didn't need a title.”

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